Fifth week of Suffering: Did I hit bottom?

FEBRUARY 4, 2010

I think I am bouncing back from my mental breakdown I experienced last week after watching Earthlings and reading Tom Regan's Empty Cages. I experienced mild shock while watching the film and have achieved a level of desensitization that prevented me from breaking down into tears while watching the most graphic and violent footage I have seen of animal suffering yet. This saddens me a bit. I don't want the pain these images cause to be dulled, perhaps confirming some strange masochistic tendency? No really, I don't think it should get easier for me to see things like this. Here is an excerpt of the response paper I wrote for the class:

"This class is getting under my skin. I am acutely empathetic toward the bull being slain by the matador, and every day of class, every text I read, every film I see is like another jab, slowly bleeding me out. I couldn't go today. I just couldn't. Especially not after watching the movie Earthlings, directed by Shaun Monson and narrated by Joaquin Phoenix. I'm angry at the world right now and I feel depressed and helpless because my action of becoming a vegetarian isn't enough for me to feel like I'm doing something about it. I couldn't even cry while watching the film. And I made myself watch the entire thing because even though the images were horrific and startling, the narration script was so articulate and conscientious that I was truly mesmerized by the experience of feeling such overwhelming empathy. The tears finally did start to flow as I watched an animal being skinned alive, and then looked into his shocked, terrified eyes as he continued to live after being discarded, continuing to suffer without even the skin on his back".

This week I experienced a little victory. My boyfriend and I went across the street to a Vietnamese place in our new neighborhood, and he opted for the tofu instead of chicken! I know it's only one meal, but it's a start. I keep copying him on the response essays I write and reading my journal entries out loud to him. He's becoming aware of this new twisted version of culture I am experiencing, and if nothing else, I am raising the level of consciousness of animal suffering in my immediate sphere of influence.