FEBRUARY 11, 2010
I feel like I'm having a mental breakdown. Yes, I have a flare for the dramatic, but it's the same flare that ignites passion and adventure and intellect. It's valid and overwhelming to feel pulled in so many directions: emotionally, academically, professionally, personally. That's 400%. I'm sorry, but I'm exhausted. Every time I close my eyes to rest for only a moment, I am triggered awake again by the sensation of urgency to accomplish another task, to fulfill yet another obligation to someone or something. I have seldom had a moment of prolonged "peace and quiet" since the quarter began six weeks ago. Of course, I am fine. I am young and energetic and I can handle it. And I am and I do. This is a pattern of behavior that I recognize, and I know that I will do everything I need to do. Because I always do. But not without huge effort.
However, the emotional charges that flow through my blood when provoked by a statement in Suffering, or a personal reaction I experience, are more/additional stress hormones that are being pumped into my system. Deep breathing and getting in touch with the deep bond I have with my cat reminds me that I can connect with the mentality that I must compartmentalize the empathy. I never really knew how to do this before Suffering. I don't think I'm very good at it, though, because the emotions are seeping out. And tears flow from my eyes not because I am inspired to cry by a particular emotion I am feeling, but because I am feeling them all together, at once, and they are oozing out of the cracks in the emotional cages I have constructed in my mind to hold them back.
And this shit is getting into my dreams, just like my professor says she experiences every time she teaches a course on animals. Here is the setup for my nightmare: My big huge squeaky cat Marley is orange and white, like a creamcicle, and he has incredibly long and luscious fur that makes him look like a gigantic ball of orange fluff. He's quite skittish and maybe not the smartest cat that ever was, but when it comes to giving snugs he is a legend. He squeaks in short staccato bursts instead of bellowing out masculine meows, but the thing that makes Marley seem most like a cartoon character is his tail. He has the biggest, longest, poofiest tail I have ever seen on a kitty. It practically has its own personality.
Here is the nightmare: Marley comes and wakes me up with head-butting snugs and his squeaky, panicky, chanting-like call tells me immediately that he is in distress. I notice right away that his tail is gone. Where his long fluffy fluffiness is supposed to be there are two finger-like feelers (similar to the Avatar movie animal bonding thing). But Marley is in so much pain! Someone has just pulled off his tail! I am physically reacting to this dream, and I am becoming very stressed. I am sweating and I searching everywhere for his tail. I find it, I pick it up and it's flopping around in my hands like a dying fish. Marley is squealing and his tail is flopping and I am horrified. I begin to recognize that I am dreaming when I realize there is no blood, and I slowly become conscious and realize I am crying, winded, sweating and generally distressed. I am awake, I get up to use the bathroom. It's 6:30am. And now I've started my day with another panic attack.
But I can't stop. I have another class with other obligations and deadlines and the expectation that I will give 100% in that direction as well. And I will. Because that's what I do.
I'm just tired.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Fifth week of Suffering: Did I hit bottom?
FEBRUARY 4, 2010
I think I am bouncing back from my mental breakdown I experienced last week after watching Earthlings and reading Tom Regan's Empty Cages. I experienced mild shock while watching the film and have achieved a level of desensitization that prevented me from breaking down into tears while watching the most graphic and violent footage I have seen of animal suffering yet. This saddens me a bit. I don't want the pain these images cause to be dulled, perhaps confirming some strange masochistic tendency? No really, I don't think it should get easier for me to see things like this. Here is an excerpt of the response paper I wrote for the class:
"This class is getting under my skin. I am acutely empathetic toward the bull being slain by the matador, and every day of class, every text I read, every film I see is like another jab, slowly bleeding me out. I couldn't go today. I just couldn't. Especially not after watching the movie Earthlings, directed by Shaun Monson and narrated by Joaquin Phoenix. I'm angry at the world right now and I feel depressed and helpless because my action of becoming a vegetarian isn't enough for me to feel like I'm doing something about it. I couldn't even cry while watching the film. And I made myself watch the entire thing because even though the images were horrific and startling, the narration script was so articulate and conscientious that I was truly mesmerized by the experience of feeling such overwhelming empathy. The tears finally did start to flow as I watched an animal being skinned alive, and then looked into his shocked, terrified eyes as he continued to live after being discarded, continuing to suffer without even the skin on his back".
This week I experienced a little victory. My boyfriend and I went across the street to a Vietnamese place in our new neighborhood, and he opted for the tofu instead of chicken! I know it's only one meal, but it's a start. I keep copying him on the response essays I write and reading my journal entries out loud to him. He's becoming aware of this new twisted version of culture I am experiencing, and if nothing else, I am raising the level of consciousness of animal suffering in my immediate sphere of influence.
I think I am bouncing back from my mental breakdown I experienced last week after watching Earthlings and reading Tom Regan's Empty Cages. I experienced mild shock while watching the film and have achieved a level of desensitization that prevented me from breaking down into tears while watching the most graphic and violent footage I have seen of animal suffering yet. This saddens me a bit. I don't want the pain these images cause to be dulled, perhaps confirming some strange masochistic tendency? No really, I don't think it should get easier for me to see things like this. Here is an excerpt of the response paper I wrote for the class:
"This class is getting under my skin. I am acutely empathetic toward the bull being slain by the matador, and every day of class, every text I read, every film I see is like another jab, slowly bleeding me out. I couldn't go today. I just couldn't. Especially not after watching the movie Earthlings, directed by Shaun Monson and narrated by Joaquin Phoenix. I'm angry at the world right now and I feel depressed and helpless because my action of becoming a vegetarian isn't enough for me to feel like I'm doing something about it. I couldn't even cry while watching the film. And I made myself watch the entire thing because even though the images were horrific and startling, the narration script was so articulate and conscientious that I was truly mesmerized by the experience of feeling such overwhelming empathy. The tears finally did start to flow as I watched an animal being skinned alive, and then looked into his shocked, terrified eyes as he continued to live after being discarded, continuing to suffer without even the skin on his back".
This week I experienced a little victory. My boyfriend and I went across the street to a Vietnamese place in our new neighborhood, and he opted for the tofu instead of chicken! I know it's only one meal, but it's a start. I keep copying him on the response essays I write and reading my journal entries out loud to him. He's becoming aware of this new twisted version of culture I am experiencing, and if nothing else, I am raising the level of consciousness of animal suffering in my immediate sphere of influence.
Fourth week of Suffering: Could it get worse for a turkey?
JANUARY 26, 2010
Today in class we watched I Am an Animal: The Story of Ingrid Newkirk and PETA. It was fascinating. I didn't really know anything about PETA before watching the film so I absorbed it with a clean slate. Ingrid Newkirk is quite the controversial figure in animal advocacy, but I applaud and celebrate her for being a woman who is true to herself and to what she believes. I understand why people are so quick to form negative opinions about PETA, mainly because the actions of these individuals begin to scratch the surface of the facade around animal cruelty and on a subconscious level it makes people uncomfortable.
I have encountered very few individuals in my short lifetime that have the spark I saw in Newkirk while watching this film in class. She is very direct and intelligent, and watching her interact with other people on the screen was convincing and honest. I don't feel the same intensity for her passion towards animals, but I understand her drive and resulting cynicism from a lifetime of witnessing and combating animal cruelty.
I experienced another emotional eruption in class during the film. An undercover investigator was describing how he had witnessed his "co-worker" at a Butter Ball turkey factory sexually assaulting a turkey with his finger in the last few moments of her sad and pathetically cruel existence. I literally had my head on the table, buried in my arms, and was sobbing uncontrollably for what felt like several minutes. I had a very difficult time regaining control over my muscles, as if my empathy had provoked a physical reflex. I started to see how the physical act of weeping for this raped and murdered turkey was my defense mechanism for protecting myself from the painful mental images I was creating in my mind while only hearing about this account.
Today in class we watched I Am an Animal: The Story of Ingrid Newkirk and PETA. It was fascinating. I didn't really know anything about PETA before watching the film so I absorbed it with a clean slate. Ingrid Newkirk is quite the controversial figure in animal advocacy, but I applaud and celebrate her for being a woman who is true to herself and to what she believes. I understand why people are so quick to form negative opinions about PETA, mainly because the actions of these individuals begin to scratch the surface of the facade around animal cruelty and on a subconscious level it makes people uncomfortable.
I have encountered very few individuals in my short lifetime that have the spark I saw in Newkirk while watching this film in class. She is very direct and intelligent, and watching her interact with other people on the screen was convincing and honest. I don't feel the same intensity for her passion towards animals, but I understand her drive and resulting cynicism from a lifetime of witnessing and combating animal cruelty.
I experienced another emotional eruption in class during the film. An undercover investigator was describing how he had witnessed his "co-worker" at a Butter Ball turkey factory sexually assaulting a turkey with his finger in the last few moments of her sad and pathetically cruel existence. I literally had my head on the table, buried in my arms, and was sobbing uncontrollably for what felt like several minutes. I had a very difficult time regaining control over my muscles, as if my empathy had provoked a physical reflex. I started to see how the physical act of weeping for this raped and murdered turkey was my defense mechanism for protecting myself from the painful mental images I was creating in my mind while only hearing about this account.
Third week of Suffering: But what can I do?
JANUARY 20, 2010
Reading about animal suffering is one thing, but having to watch repeated visual images of animal cruelty and torture is starting to weigh heavily in my subconscious. This week we had to watch a film called Peaceable Kingdom which visually revealed a lot of the farm animal cruelty I have begun to read about in this course. These images cause me to have an immediate and violent internal reaction that explodes out of my body as shakes and wails, and I begin to cry before my eyes even have time to produce tears to lubricate and soothe the instant stinging. I have to say, this intense physiological reaction that I have to witnessing torture startles me every time, and it gives me a mental slap that screams “DO SOMETHING!”
But what can I do? The problem of factory farming is so systemic that my personal decision to abstain from eating meat feels irrelevant. I know I am not the only one who feels this way, but I don’t understand why the majority of the population isn’t outraged. For example, my boyfriend is a kind person and could be described as one of those types who “wouldn’t harm a fly”. He is supportive and sensitive to the emotional challenges I am facing in this class, yet the idea of going vegetarian doesn’t even seem to cross his mind. It’s as though the things I am experiencing are only happening in the classroom, but don’t apply to the real world and so he is therefore exempt from any responsibility. I want so badly for him to make the same connection that seems so obvious to me, but he didn’t have the same reaction while watching Peaceable Kingdom. He still wears the cultural blinders that allow most people to chew the flesh of other creatures for nourishment, even when that nourishment can be obtained without causing cruelty and death to other animals.
Reading about animal suffering is one thing, but having to watch repeated visual images of animal cruelty and torture is starting to weigh heavily in my subconscious. This week we had to watch a film called Peaceable Kingdom which visually revealed a lot of the farm animal cruelty I have begun to read about in this course. These images cause me to have an immediate and violent internal reaction that explodes out of my body as shakes and wails, and I begin to cry before my eyes even have time to produce tears to lubricate and soothe the instant stinging. I have to say, this intense physiological reaction that I have to witnessing torture startles me every time, and it gives me a mental slap that screams “DO SOMETHING!”
But what can I do? The problem of factory farming is so systemic that my personal decision to abstain from eating meat feels irrelevant. I know I am not the only one who feels this way, but I don’t understand why the majority of the population isn’t outraged. For example, my boyfriend is a kind person and could be described as one of those types who “wouldn’t harm a fly”. He is supportive and sensitive to the emotional challenges I am facing in this class, yet the idea of going vegetarian doesn’t even seem to cross his mind. It’s as though the things I am experiencing are only happening in the classroom, but don’t apply to the real world and so he is therefore exempt from any responsibility. I want so badly for him to make the same connection that seems so obvious to me, but he didn’t have the same reaction while watching Peaceable Kingdom. He still wears the cultural blinders that allow most people to chew the flesh of other creatures for nourishment, even when that nourishment can be obtained without causing cruelty and death to other animals.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Second week of Suffering: How can you really describe pain?
JANUARY 14, 2010
This week in Suffering we had a vibrant conversation centered around expressing pain through language. The class is evidently divided about what it truly means to suffer, and if animal suffering is as valid as human suffering. I used to think that it wasn't, but I was ignorant and I didn't really know what the concept of a slaughterhouse really meant. I think it is important to have these varying opinions in class, but it does make me angry sometimes. To me it seems so obvious that an animal is conscious and present in her existence, how can anyone doubt that? Just because an animal cannot use English to express words describing pain, how can one say that the howls of an animal being slaughtered are not verbal expressions of pain?
As I said, it seems so obvious to me now, but it took me nearly 30 years to evolve my consciousness enough to consider all animals to be my non-human equals (except for maybe mosquitoes). I am still learning how to adjust my lifestyle to accommodate this new state of awareness, and it is a slow and resistant process. I am just glad I am not deaf to the language of animal suffering any longer.
This week in Suffering we had a vibrant conversation centered around expressing pain through language. The class is evidently divided about what it truly means to suffer, and if animal suffering is as valid as human suffering. I used to think that it wasn't, but I was ignorant and I didn't really know what the concept of a slaughterhouse really meant. I think it is important to have these varying opinions in class, but it does make me angry sometimes. To me it seems so obvious that an animal is conscious and present in her existence, how can anyone doubt that? Just because an animal cannot use English to express words describing pain, how can one say that the howls of an animal being slaughtered are not verbal expressions of pain?
As I said, it seems so obvious to me now, but it took me nearly 30 years to evolve my consciousness enough to consider all animals to be my non-human equals (except for maybe mosquitoes). I am still learning how to adjust my lifestyle to accommodate this new state of awareness, and it is a slow and resistant process. I am just glad I am not deaf to the language of animal suffering any longer.
First week of Suffering: Why do you eat meat?
JANUARY 7, 2010
My first week of Suffering already has me experiencing uninvited epiphanies, but it is necessary to see how everything is connected through our moral understanding of animals and food. As a vegetarian, I have not had a very good relationship with food over the past year. I don't cook very much/well, so I often feel my choices are limited. I have had to give up my favorite foods, but I still yearn for them even though I don't really want to eat them. I have had to explain to countless people from all over the world why I became a vegetarian, and I think the following paragraph captures my sentiments perfectly:
"In our culture, it’s difficult to attain adequate perceptions of our circumstances. Since many forms of suffering are hidden, and we are not trained to look for clues to hidden problems, we harbor misunderstandings of common practices. We fail to perceive facts that are directly relevant to values of humaneness, seeing (for example) a counter full of packaged meat or a display of inexpensive clothing as morally neutral, when a more informed observer might see them as symbols of cruel mistreatment. Or we may understand that production of these products entails harm and exploitation, but only dimly, with no grasp of the varieties and extremes of suffering involved. We harbor inadequate and erroneous perceptions of our surroundings" (Kathie Jennie, The Power of the Visual, 3).
In response to the question "Why are you a vegetarian?", in the future I will ask "Why do you eat meat?" I think my rationale has evolved from simply not wanting that animals suffer to feed humans to the idea that eating animals is morally wrong when I have the privilege of living in a culture where I can sustain a healthy lifestyle without eating meat. I have learned this past year that it takes a lot of effort for me to be a vegetarian, but at least I'm following my own moral compass.
My first week of Suffering already has me experiencing uninvited epiphanies, but it is necessary to see how everything is connected through our moral understanding of animals and food. As a vegetarian, I have not had a very good relationship with food over the past year. I don't cook very much/well, so I often feel my choices are limited. I have had to give up my favorite foods, but I still yearn for them even though I don't really want to eat them. I have had to explain to countless people from all over the world why I became a vegetarian, and I think the following paragraph captures my sentiments perfectly:
"In our culture, it’s difficult to attain adequate perceptions of our circumstances. Since many forms of suffering are hidden, and we are not trained to look for clues to hidden problems, we harbor misunderstandings of common practices. We fail to perceive facts that are directly relevant to values of humaneness, seeing (for example) a counter full of packaged meat or a display of inexpensive clothing as morally neutral, when a more informed observer might see them as symbols of cruel mistreatment. Or we may understand that production of these products entails harm and exploitation, but only dimly, with no grasp of the varieties and extremes of suffering involved. We harbor inadequate and erroneous perceptions of our surroundings" (Kathie Jennie, The Power of the Visual, 3).
In response to the question "Why are you a vegetarian?", in the future I will ask "Why do you eat meat?" I think my rationale has evolved from simply not wanting that animals suffer to feed humans to the idea that eating animals is morally wrong when I have the privilege of living in a culture where I can sustain a healthy lifestyle without eating meat. I have learned this past year that it takes a lot of effort for me to be a vegetarian, but at least I'm following my own moral compass.
Introduction to Animal Thoughts: A Blog Assignment
This blog has been created for my comparative history of ideas class called Suffering: Animals, Violence, and the Consequences of Silence taught by Professor María Elena García at the University of Washington. I am taking this class as an elective for my Master of Arts in Cultural Studies program in which I am focusing on various aspects of Latino culture in the United States. One element of my research is studying the effects of the border wall that divides the desert throughout the borderlands region. Why then, you may ask, am I taking a course called Suffering?
The history of the border wall is directly linked to the implementation of NAFTA policies in 1994, which is the same year that the Clinton Administration began Operation Gatekeeper. The Patriot Act came along eight years later under the Bush Administration and that's when security really began to heighten and long stretches of fortified border wall were planned and constructed in an effort to prevent undocumented human migration into the U.S. under the guise of the "war on terror". This effort has been a colossal waste of billions of tax dollars, as research has proven that the wall only serves to slow down the average migrant group by about five minutes. With the increase in border patrol and security monitoring, many groups led by coyotes and other individuals choose to go around the wall, forcing them to cross through hostile mountainous desert terrain.
Thousands of people die every year in an attempt to exercise their human right to work after having their livelihoods disappear in order to accommodate the economic whims of the U.S., but the death toll on animals in the region is rarely even mentioned as a factor of the crisis. While my capstone research will likely explore one or more of the dynamics of the human element of this ongoing international predicament, the environmental impact of the wall has been devastating to wildlife and fragile ecosystems throughout this vast desert region. Endangered species are further challenged by catastrophic damage to the ecosystem, and I believe the animal suffering in this region must also be highlighted. The wall that was constructed in order to keep humans out fails in that effort, yet serves to cut off animals from food and water sources and their natural migratory patterns.
I hope you enjoy Suffering with me.
The history of the border wall is directly linked to the implementation of NAFTA policies in 1994, which is the same year that the Clinton Administration began Operation Gatekeeper. The Patriot Act came along eight years later under the Bush Administration and that's when security really began to heighten and long stretches of fortified border wall were planned and constructed in an effort to prevent undocumented human migration into the U.S. under the guise of the "war on terror". This effort has been a colossal waste of billions of tax dollars, as research has proven that the wall only serves to slow down the average migrant group by about five minutes. With the increase in border patrol and security monitoring, many groups led by coyotes and other individuals choose to go around the wall, forcing them to cross through hostile mountainous desert terrain.
Thousands of people die every year in an attempt to exercise their human right to work after having their livelihoods disappear in order to accommodate the economic whims of the U.S., but the death toll on animals in the region is rarely even mentioned as a factor of the crisis. While my capstone research will likely explore one or more of the dynamics of the human element of this ongoing international predicament, the environmental impact of the wall has been devastating to wildlife and fragile ecosystems throughout this vast desert region. Endangered species are further challenged by catastrophic damage to the ecosystem, and I believe the animal suffering in this region must also be highlighted. The wall that was constructed in order to keep humans out fails in that effort, yet serves to cut off animals from food and water sources and their natural migratory patterns.
I hope you enjoy Suffering with me.
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